I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
