Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Did we literally take a cab across the street
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
