He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
