If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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