i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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