there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
