I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize