If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
