Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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