Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
