So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
