You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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