too bad you live with your parents still
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
