woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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