Who wears a wallet chain?!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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