look no pants
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
