I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
