textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
