This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
