I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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