Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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