apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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