i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
