My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize