I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
