I didn't shave. On purpose
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
