I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize