She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
