A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
