If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
