dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
