Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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