my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just want nice things and good sex
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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