I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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