You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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