I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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