1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
