You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
