kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
