they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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