Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
