im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
