omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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