Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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