thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize