Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
