God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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