Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
