my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize