we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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