Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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