i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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