Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
