Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
