The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
