How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize