Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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