I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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