Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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