is your mom at the bar?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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