I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize